Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
