woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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