Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize