For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
