i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
