I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
is that a dick in a sweater?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize