I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
