I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
