I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
