can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Who died my cat blue again?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
