I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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