watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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