You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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