This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
