The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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