I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
