I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
