I feel like I'm in dance class right now
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
