How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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