dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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