im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
