You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
