my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
