well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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