Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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