What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
