you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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