So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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