I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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