the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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