I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
