I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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