I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
