If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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