I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize