Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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