the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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