My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
