Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
