If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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