Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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