My sheets look like a crime scene.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
