you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize