One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
