I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
