take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
