Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
