My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
