pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
