hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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