I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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