how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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