My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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