i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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