i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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