if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
