Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
