Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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