Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You are a genius and a whore.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
