I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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