it wasn't lemon gatorade
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
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